when i got into work this morning, i saw a fax from a customer letting me know that he had received the wrong product. upon researching the issue to see if it was a warehouse mishap, i came to the realization that it was my fault. almost immediately afterwards, i felt a tightness in my chest.

the day became a slow descent into a deep depression. most of my days are engulfed by that which i don't want to deal with, but do so in order for the bills to be paid and baby girl can be taken care of. meanwhile, there's the podcast, which i'm struggling to find time for. morning voiceover sessions don't work anymore, not unless everything that i need to do the night before (iron clothes, make lunch, etc.) is taken care of. and even then, i only have about a half hour to work with before heading out the door. when i get home, i have to get things ready for the next morning. immediately ever that, i have to watch after simone while dinner's made. the obvious answer is wait until everybody's asleep, but that pattern changes depending upon simone's mood. she's being weaned and she's fighting us on that. she started screaming at 1:30 a.m. this morning. two and a half hours prior, i was exhausted at the computer, falling asleep while updating the podcast feed. who knows when i'll actually type show notes for this episode?

Radio BSOTS has reached show #50. i was recently featured as a guest dj on solipsistic nation and i've been submitting guest clips to podshow music rewind, which doesn't mean what it used to ever since the producer decided that he wants to switch over to video. there's a possibility that i could be featured on another podcast soon, plus i interviewed a great MC/producer for a future Impose Magazine article last week. you'd think i would be happier about all of this.

it's not enough. it doesn't take me permanently out of the hell that is my day job. it doesn't make the commute to day care in the mornings with a 26-pound child strapped to my chest any easier. it doesn't get chores and further childproofing of the house done. time has me in a stranglehold and he is laughing his ass off.

i often make time for exercising during my lunch break. today, instead of reading on my alternate days, i sat down at the bus stop where i eat lunch and tried my best to just go to sleep and not think about things for a while. there are days that i wonder where does a blogger/podcaster find the time to spruce up their website, add a few posts, check their stats (detailed - to the point where they know who's listening and where they're located), and engage in several social media websites? DO THESE PEOPLE HAVE CHILDREN? OR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS? and they do, then what the hell am i doing wrong?

time that i feel could be spent on all of these things and more has to be spent doing things i don't like and talking to people i can't stand. and my podcast is suffering from it. and i hate that. at the same time, i have to wonder what am i doing all of this for. comments rarely ever come back, so you may as well be pretending to have a radio show or speaking into a vacuum. (sigh) don't mind me. i need to get some things out or otherwise i won't be on an even keel when i get home. and i need to be on an even keel when i get there.