uncertainties abound.  as an analog child living in a digital world, i find myself lamenting the death of the analog tv signal.  pixel clusters from the converter box suggest that perhaps a stronger antenna is needed. 

just exactly how did we as a society allow so much of ourselves to be held captive by hard drives and cpus?  the moment our computers freeze or act in a way that they shouldn't, panic ensues.  just over a year old, the fairly new acer desktop in our home hasn't been itself lately.  is it a race against time to play the backup game, making sure that a brand new show doesn't get lost to digital whims, along with countless music files and pictures capturing year three of simone's life on earth?

when i say that i'm an old head forced to get into new media, i mean it.  there are certain aspects to podcasting, social media, and the digital life in general that i could do without, that i just look at and think to myself, there HAS to be an easier way.

so you turn the computer on, you hear the cooling fan turn on, power buttons light up, but it doesn't kick itself into startup mode.  don't see the acer logo, don't see the windows logo, just a blank monitor screen that's gone into standby.  hopefully the situation can be fixed and it won't cost an arm and a leg to do so.  more than that, hopefully the files can be saved.  yes i know, backup, backup, backup.  right now, our backup plan consists of remembering to put files onto CD-Rs.  with a toddler in the house, things like diapers, wipes, and clothes tend to trump an external hard drive in terms of importance.  but with the recent turn of events, it's clear that some terabyte space needs to be up in our humble abode with the quickness.

one step forward, two steps back.  some days, i feel like it's the story of my life.  or as i often say on my show, "makin' due..."

BSOTS 086 was all ready to go before this happened.  my work on the podcast normally gets done when wife and child are asleep or out of the house.  if i wait until everyone's asleep, i'm usually exhausted by then because the job sucks all life out of me.  prior to our computer being down, my wife become obsessed with this game on facebook and spent hours on it.  she's playing the game, i'm falling asleep while standing up in the kitchen washing dishes that i can never get ahead on and waiting my turn in the living room.  it'd be real easy for me to brand her a scapegoat right now, but it also wouldn't be right.  although she once thought that she caught a virus from a facebook app, we don't know what's causing the problem and pointing fingers won't help matters.

i think my biggest problem with all this is that i identify with podcasting to the point where i feel as if part of my identity has been taken away right now.  i resent the fact that most of my day is spent doing things that i have no desire doing to make a living.  and after those things are done and after household duties are taken care of for the evening, i have very little energy left for the things that i find fulfilling, if any.  meanwhile, there are others that can keep up their weekly habit of producing a show and they're getting thousands of downloads a month and they're up on their twitter/myspace/facebook/whatever else updates and their blog's all kick-ass beautiful and i feel like i'm barely hanging on with trying to produce two episodes a month.  and now that's currently hanging in limbo and i hate it.  and it makes me wonder why i've put so much of myself into this when the very tool that you need to create a podcast can suddenly turn against you.

i'll say it until i'm old and gray:  to err is human, to truly screw things up beyond reproach requires a computer.  now more than ever, i mess with the digital because i have to, not necessarily because i want to.  for all intents and purposes, i am and will remain an analog brother.

i existed before Radio BSOTS was a part of my life, i'll exist after it's done with.  not too long ago, i posted a facebook status which stated the following:

"Jason Smith is trying something new: placing meditation before music. In other words, emphasizing spending time with God (the Creator) as a higher priority before diving headfirst into beats, blips, rhymes, and notes (the creation). For the first time in my life, I'm becoming more comfortable with this much-needed switch in hierarchy..."

i'd be lying if i said i've been successful with this.  it was all good for about a week and music got real jealous.  truth is that music's been an idol with me for a long time.  i can always make time for music...and it's trumped my meditation time with God for longer than i can remember.  and i can't help but think that on some level, God's looking down on all of this and asking...

"NOW how much time do you have?"  i could be wrong, but it's just a feeling i get...