?How does a middle-aged black woman turn a room full of housewives into a group of screaming teenagers? There hasn?t been this much screaming since the Beatles invasion.?

That?s my wife Beth talking about The Oprah Winfrey Show. Ever since Oprah gave away all those cars on her season opener, an ad pitch line I made up has been stuck in my head: ?Buying the love of housewives everywhere.? That?s probably unfair of me to say, since apparently everybody that got a car that day really needed one. Sister woman?s rich and she doesn?t wanna horde her wealth; more power to her. That?s rather beautiful, actually. Still, you have to wonder who?s coming to the show with their hands out, just to see what they?ll walk away with that day. And every now and then, the show will get on a spirituality tip. ?Discovering Your Spirit?Of Materialism.?

Yeah, I know: Don?t hate, congratulate. Perhaps if the band of banshees in the audience were able to maintain an excited yet calmer demeanor I wouldn?t be writing this. So I dig sister Winfrey?s generosity, but it doesn?t make me want to stray from the idea of starting up a punk band called The Screaming Housewives.

?I loves Harpo. God knows I do. But I KILL ?IM DEAD ?for I let him beat me.?
-Sophia (Oprah) to Celie (Whoopi Goldberg) in The Color Purple.