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fifteen days separate me from my 35th birthday. and i'm more concerned than happy. while i'm looking forward to the three days off from work that start on my birthday proper, i'm not looking forward to the actual celebration of said birthday. every year my mother calls me on the time of my birth, 4:02 p.m. if she forgot this year, i really wouldn't be mad at her. i just don't feel like being reminded. but she won't forget.
last week was my father's 65th birthday. gave him a call, which is a pointless exercise because he doesn't speak. lately our conversations end and i wonder to myself if we have finally run out of things to say to each other. to be brutally honest, i'm tired of putting in the effort. i'm tired of doing all the talking. he had a stroke this summer which slurred his speech for a bit, then things got better. my grandmother has alzheimer's and my mom suspects that dad may have it as well. can't say i entirely buy that, though. all i know is that conversations between a father and son shouldn't be so silent.
where is the point that we become our parents even though we try so desperately not to? there's too much in me that i don't want to pass on to my daughter. and kids are sponges. they soak up everything around them. parenthood is undoubtedly the most difficult challenge of my life thus far. i see anger within myself. i see a lack of remaining calm and collected within myself. children feed off of the feelings you project. this is far from easy. the complications mount when you're fighting every battle at work because you have to, but you have to pick your battles at home when it comes to disciplining your two-year old kid.
beth's on a three-day business trip starting tomorrow. i pray that i have the mental stamina and spiritual strength to make it through this week. actually, truth be told, the next three days don't scare me half as much as the prospect of still working at the same job when i turn 36. careerwise, i feel like a failure. with parenthood, failure is not an option. i can't fail my baby girl and i don't plan to.