Now Playing: incessant typing and muttering from co-workers as the day ends...
Topic: the Christian walk
it is a very scary thing when you don't care about what it is that you're doing...and it's how you make your living. particularly if you care about real relationships and being real with people. meanwhile, your 9-5 scenario is artificial, even more so than the sweetener in your co-worker's coffee. your body shows up to work, but your mind is elsewhere. you talk on the phone to customers, but your concern has taken a permanent leave of absence. there's a general feeling of malaise that overtakes you, but allows you to care just enough to do your job right. once in a blue moon, the occasional kudos come your way through higher-ups, but it really doesn't matter to you. because you know that it is what it is. and what it is is a series of changing variables. there are no constants, other than the fact that the variables will change and the moment that you start to learn the composition is the exact moment that those above you will decide to switch up the tempo, change the pitch, or just use a different song altogether.
if you know that you were built for truth, and you strive to stand for truth, situations like these will make you realize just how good you have become at lying, whether it be to yourself or to others. if you're concerned with retaining the ability to be compassionate in a cruel world, the careless moments within your daily routine may cause you to stop and say, did i just do that? what's happening to me?
this is the state that i find myself in. as a Christian, it's a bit disheartening and somewhat troublesome. if you're serious about your spiritual walk, then not caring about other's needs is not an option. i've heard it said that you should never burn bridges, but i've never had a problem cutting people off from my life, even when i was a little kid. these days, my patience is paper thin with just about anything having to do with the 9-5. i often wonder how i'm going to avoid going out in a blaze when i leave. will i stop with just burning the bridge or will i feel the need to torch the village? my rationale as of late suggests that sometimes it is necessary to burn the village. to be customer service is to assume the position of the whipping boy, the bottom feeder bitch, the human shield, and i've run out of answers to problems i didn't create.
meanwhile, flashbacks of sunday sermons raise up in my spirit, and it is suggested to my soul for the umpteenth time that i may be the only Bible that people ever read, that my life, my actions and reactions may be the only sermon that others will ever hear. and i don't want my life to be an example that people point towards as the reason why they want nothing to do with Christ. but there are plenty of people who do dirt on the daily and still walk away with riches, still are cleared of all charges against them when all evidence points to the fact that they did it. i don't know if i have this in me anymore. lately there are just too many instances of me refusing to learn from past cautionary tales and blunders, repeating the same destructive behavior and being rather blatant about it, as if it doesn't matter, as if it won't have some adverse effect on my mind and spirit. i'm having a hard time understanding why, with all my faults and flaws, would God want me on His team. granted, there are plenty of figures within the Bible that had tragic flaws that God was able to use, but the Lord's work is too important to screw up.
honestly, this is too much to think about right now, particularly when credits have to be issued and orders must be fulfilled. so i stare blankly into the computer screen, waiting for the next eventual call to come through, a metaphorical molotov cocktail within my reach and the bridge within my sights...