I sip tea because it?s supposed to be soothing. Today it just burns a hole in my stomach. The churning in the pit of my belly reminds me of the ever-present knot that the bile washes over. Some days I can deal just fine with the phone ringing at the job, but today isn?t one of them. Not even 15 minutes in and the most irritating sales rep calls me to talk about issues that they know I?m not prepared to talk about. Or should know. I?ve been looking for the ?out? from this place of business ever since I got in. I?m wondering if I was happier unemployed?only to come to the conclusion that I know that?s not true. Clearly I?m supposed to overcome some obstacle while I?m at this horrendous halfway point in my career. More than likely, it?s an obstacle within myself. I?m supposed to learn something through all of this before I?m allowed to leave this behind. I?ve accepted that. But let me just state something for the record?THIS IS NOT FUN. Not in the slightest.

The knot in my stomach may as well be the thorn in my flesh: that thing that you ask GOD to remove and He shakes His head no. And no matter how many times you ask, the answer is always the same. It?s even worse when you know that you?re responsible for the thorn, as if you jabbed it into your side yourself. It?s one thing when your mistakes only affect you. It?s another when they affect someone else. The decisions I?ve made in terms of employment affect both my wife and I.

I was making good money at a job I couldn?t stand for 4.5 years and then I was terminated from said position. I leapt for joy. I thought it might be a chance to turn things around in my life, to change careers. Doors closed all around me for a little over six months. And then came the position I?m in now. In an industry I thought I would be better suited in (although making far less money), but far from a position I wanted. I took it anyway. And our income has suffered tremendously as a result. Beth only works two days a week ? a majority of her time is spent in grad school. She?s gotta do her thing in order to make sure she?s where she wants to be in terms of her career. I respect that and encourage it. At the same time, I should?ve made sure that I was bringing in the same type of bank that I was making before. The hell with turning back time or trying to back track work history, I should have been looking out for our standard of living. And I didn?t. I only thought of what I needed for my sanity?s sake. And I?m paying for it in more ways than one now.

I?m sitting here trying to figure out when I lost it: the drive and determination that I once had to create a world outside of the one that I had to deal with and fill it with fun. I used to write music reviews every week, as if my life depended on it. I loved working on my website. I used to hunger after new sounds and experiences. I used to dance without shame and embarrassment, completely uninhibited, like I had five minutes left to live. I had to practice mixing, I was hungry for the next gig, the next chance to spin records for people. I had a love to play what they wanted to hear and turn them on to what they didn?t expect. Now it seems like I couldn?t care less if that world withered and died.

Life is meant to be enjoyed. I woke up this morning knowing that GOD gave me the gift of life, that He allowed me to see another day. So why do I feel like a dead man walking?