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Thursday, 6 May 2004
...signifying nothing...
Now Playing: macedonia - the substance of things hoped for (mix cd)

I sip tea because it?s supposed to be soothing. Today it just burns a hole in my stomach. The churning in the pit of my belly reminds me of the ever-present knot that the bile washes over. Some days I can deal just fine with the phone ringing at the job, but today isn?t one of them. Not even 15 minutes in and the most irritating sales rep calls me to talk about issues that they know I?m not prepared to talk about. Or should know. I?ve been looking for the ?out? from this place of business ever since I got in. I?m wondering if I was happier unemployed?only to come to the conclusion that I know that?s not true. Clearly I?m supposed to overcome some obstacle while I?m at this horrendous halfway point in my career. More than likely, it?s an obstacle within myself. I?m supposed to learn something through all of this before I?m allowed to leave this behind. I?ve accepted that. But let me just state something for the record?THIS IS NOT FUN. Not in the slightest.

The knot in my stomach may as well be the thorn in my flesh: that thing that you ask GOD to remove and He shakes His head no. And no matter how many times you ask, the answer is always the same. It?s even worse when you know that you?re responsible for the thorn, as if you jabbed it into your side yourself. It?s one thing when your mistakes only affect you. It?s another when they affect someone else. The decisions I?ve made in terms of employment affect both my wife and I.

I was making good money at a job I couldn?t stand for 4.5 years and then I was terminated from said position. I leapt for joy. I thought it might be a chance to turn things around in my life, to change careers. Doors closed all around me for a little over six months. And then came the position I?m in now. In an industry I thought I would be better suited in (although making far less money), but far from a position I wanted. I took it anyway. And our income has suffered tremendously as a result. Beth only works two days a week ? a majority of her time is spent in grad school. She?s gotta do her thing in order to make sure she?s where she wants to be in terms of her career. I respect that and encourage it. At the same time, I should?ve made sure that I was bringing in the same type of bank that I was making before. The hell with turning back time or trying to back track work history, I should have been looking out for our standard of living. And I didn?t. I only thought of what I needed for my sanity?s sake. And I?m paying for it in more ways than one now.

I?m sitting here trying to figure out when I lost it: the drive and determination that I once had to create a world outside of the one that I had to deal with and fill it with fun. I used to write music reviews every week, as if my life depended on it. I loved working on my website. I used to hunger after new sounds and experiences. I used to dance without shame and embarrassment, completely uninhibited, like I had five minutes left to live. I had to practice mixing, I was hungry for the next gig, the next chance to spin records for people. I had a love to play what they wanted to hear and turn them on to what they didn?t expect. Now it seems like I couldn?t care less if that world withered and died.

Life is meant to be enjoyed. I woke up this morning knowing that GOD gave me the gift of life, that He allowed me to see another day. So why do I feel like a dead man walking?

Posted by macedonia at 2:50 PM EDT
Updated: Friday, 7 May 2004 10:41 AM EDT
Post Comment | View Comments (3) | Permalink | Share This Post

Friday, 7 May 2004 - 9:47 AM EDT

Name: Brotha from anotha Motha
Home Page: http://saywordentertainment.com

Its scary when I read your words and I feel as If I'm looking in the mirror three or four years from now. Amber still doesn't understand how I often see parallel's of my own existence in some of my most respected and dearest friends. The frustration, feeling of loss and bitterness....I had to make sure it said posted by macedonia and not mikal.

I find it slightly humorous how you feel God is putting you through this trial yet unless I read wrong you haven't acknowledge the incredible gift and talent he gave you for music...this is what I've always stressed. Much of the best of you has always been that, that and your writing. Its forcefulness, its directness, its wit and its strength. You, like me...are not a customer service rep. You, like me were not cut out for the cubicle box. But we are men and we have responsibilities, we have goals and we don't have time to stand idle. You didn't make a mistake Jason, you did what you had to do and played the cards dealt. You are making lemonade without the sugar and tepid water. At least you won't dehydrate and die of thirst...

I envy you because at least you can gather the courage to face your thoughts, your fear, your doubts...I haven't chronicled my life in over two years I've been so ashamed and angry at myself. The bottomline is this: You ARE doing what needs to be done, don't let that need take your focus away from what you truly love and who you truly are.....if it was my guess....you were put in this earth to chronicle it through art for whomever wishes to take your guided tour. I'll see you Saturday. Peace. (HI! Beth... =) )

Wednesday, 16 June 2004 - 7:24 AM EDT

Name: deneuve

Hi Jason,

I didn't know that you had a website, I only found out recently. I am interested in the journal part, I don't know much about music. I am trying to catch up, and had to reply to this entry because it is heartfelt.

I think that sometimes we need jobs that pay less for sanity's sake. We have to try and enjoy life like you said. what's the point of working yourself to death? I do admit that you shouldn't give up your passion, music, because that's your talent.

You haven't done anything wrong. No one understands what you go through but you. That's the thing about life, even when we have a significant other, they don't really know who we are or what we go through because they can't read our minds or feel our pain. They do try and vice versa. Does that make sense? I am trying to encourage you, but I think that I did more harm than good. Peace.

Wednesday, 16 June 2004 - 4:55 PM EDT

Name: jason aka mr. macedonia
Home Page: http://www.angelfire.com/electronic2/bsots/macedonia/ho

Hey there.

Harm would?ve been keeping your opinion to yourself when you wanted to say something. You spoke up, said what you had to say, and that?s always good. So thank you.

Things are still quite hectic. Still enduring the storm, but no storm lasts forever. Money?s more funny than usual, but it?s all part of the test. Vision appears hazy sometimes, but when ish gets thick, that?s bound to happen. Basically, the burden on my back is heavy enough to make me struggle, but not so burdensome to make me quit.

Remind me of that the next time I go off?which should be any minute now. (lol)

Peace be unto you as well. Blessings?

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