Last Monday, I was humming the TV theme song to The Odd Couple. The next day, my wife calls me at work to tell me that actor Tony Randall died. Haven?t been able to listen to that theme the same way since.

Time Magazine printed a touching eulogy from Jack Klugman. Brief, but quite poignant.

I sip tea because it?s supposed to be soothing. Today it just burns a hole in my stomach. The churning in the pit of my belly reminds me of the ever-present knot that the bile washes over. Some days I can deal just fine with the phone ringing at the job, but today isn?t one of them. Not even 15 minutes in and the most irritating sales rep calls me to talk about issues that they know I?m not prepared to talk about. Or should know. I?ve been looking for the ?out? from this place of business ever since I got in. I?m wondering if I was happier unemployed?only to come to the conclusion that I know that?s not true. Clearly I?m supposed to overcome some obstacle while I?m at this horrendous halfway point in my career. More than likely, it?s an obstacle within myself. I?m supposed to learn something through all of this before I?m allowed to leave this behind. I?ve accepted that. But let me just state something for the record?THIS IS NOT FUN. Not in the slightest.

The knot in my stomach may as well be the thorn in my flesh: that thing that you ask GOD to remove and He shakes His head no. And no matter how many times you ask, the answer is always the same. It?s even worse when you know that you?re responsible for the thorn, as if you jabbed it into your side yourself. It?s one thing when your mistakes only affect you. It?s another when they affect someone else. The decisions I?ve made in terms of employment affect both my wife and I.

I was making good money at a job I couldn?t stand for 4.5 years and then I was terminated from said position. I leapt for joy. I thought it might be a chance to turn things around in my life, to change careers. Doors closed all around me for a little over six months. And then came the position I?m in now. In an industry I thought I would be better suited in (although making far less money), but far from a position I wanted. I took it anyway. And our income has suffered tremendously as a result. Beth only works two days a week ? a majority of her time is spent in grad school. She?s gotta do her thing in order to make sure she?s where she wants to be in terms of her career. I respect that and encourage it. At the same time, I should?ve made sure that I was bringing in the same type of bank that I was making before. The hell with turning back time or trying to back track work history, I should have been looking out for our standard of living. And I didn?t. I only thought of what I needed for my sanity?s sake. And I?m paying for it in more ways than one now.

I?m sitting here trying to figure out when I lost it: the drive and determination that I once had to create a world outside of the one that I had to deal with and fill it with fun. I used to write music reviews every week, as if my life depended on it. I loved working on my website. I used to hunger after new sounds and experiences. I used to dance without shame and embarrassment, completely uninhibited, like I had five minutes left to live. I had to practice mixing, I was hungry for the next gig, the next chance to spin records for people. I had a love to play what they wanted to hear and turn them on to what they didn?t expect. Now it seems like I couldn?t care less if that world withered and died.

Life is meant to be enjoyed. I woke up this morning knowing that GOD gave me the gift of life, that He allowed me to see another day. So why do I feel like a dead man walking?

A few weeks back, the belt on one of my belt drive turntables snapped. Honestly, I?m surprised it didn?t do that several years earlier. I always took pride in making superior mixes with inferior equipment and this particular turntable was bargain basement, discontinued, and at least ten years old when the belt went bust. But a strange thing has occurred: I don?t feel the need to rush right out and get another one. At least not anytime soon. I hardly have the time to practice mixing at home these days, anyway.

I don?t even think I have the insatiable desire to spin anymore. If I didn?t spin a gig for the next six months, I probably wouldn?t complain. I?m starting to question if I even miss it. Drama with bar managers probably has a lot to do with it. However, last year I had a residency that I was able to hold down for about nine months or so (and had some fun in the process), but organization wasn?t exactly the order of the day and I always felt like I was the last one to know everything. So even when I got what I thought I always wanted - a DJ residency at a bar/club - even that went sour after a while.

I?m at the place where I don?t have to be the one spinning at a party. I?m more than happy being one in the number, gettin? my dance on, spreading positive vibes and showing love for the spinner. Maybe if I did more loft parties or outlaws or parties outside of New York (I still smile when I think of Squeeshee up in Poughkeepsie back in January), the craving to do my thing before a crowd would still be there. Maybe my current job has beaten my ambitions out of me. But I think the day the belt snapped was the day my need to spin music died.

I won?t stop sharing or talking about music ? I couldn?t if I tried. I?ll probably do so on a much more intimate scale. I?m currently making mixes for friends, but they?re the personal kind, not mixes that I create to pass out to everyone. I know I have at least two more of those in me, but I don?t think I?ll continue after that. My last music purchases were in February and I?m still trying to find the time to listen to stuff that I bought or was sent to me a month before that. You know what I?ve been buying lately? DVDs. Not a lot of them ? just enough to know that I prefer staying home to going out.

Clearly I?ve hit a transitional period in my life, as far as music is concerned. It doesn?t scare me, although I do find it a bit strange. I honestly didn?t think that this would happen now. I figured it would happen in another 15 or 20 years from now. I still love music, but it doesn?t seem as important to me as it did about a month and a half ago. Odd?just plain odd. Maybe it?s a sign of growing up, maybe it?s quietly admitting defeat, chronic jadedness, who knows? All I know is that even though I have a ?music must-have? list about seven pages long, it?s not a moral imperative that I chop away at it every month with four new purchases. Or even one, for that matter. Meanwhile, the DVD wish list continues to grow. And the chances of those wants being fulfilled grows by the minute?

Soundscraper Sanctuary @ Madame X is no more. This is due to various factors, none more annoying than the one who was running the show. They tell you that you need to play more of a variety and weren?t even there the whole night to hear what you played. They tell you that pay will come with more heads in the bar; however, when said heads rolled through, they tell you that it?s not really your money because they invited particular heads?only to follow it up with the snide-ass question, ?If we?re bringing in people without you, then why do we need you?? All of this was said to my partner Enrique and then relayed to me. All I can say is?it?s a damn good thing I wasn?t there to hear this. I?m a man that desperately needs to stay holy, and that wasn?t going to happen at this place. In short, we left so that I could save some lives.

I have grown rather tired of bars in general. I imbibe occasionally, but not on the regular. As of late, It?s rare that I drink alcohol while I?m out at a club. During the Madame X gig, it was all about cranberry juice and ginger ale for me. Same goes for Enrique ? he wants to live a sober existence and has been quite faithful in making that happen. Meanwhile, we?re spinning in places whose aim is to make money by slinging suds. Our aim is to create a vibe; theirs is to get loot from others getting drunk. Music is merely the background noise for their main purpose. This is bound to create problems when you want to stay away from that whole scene, and that may or may not have been a factor that Enrique thought about beforehand.

In addition, the decor was also a hindering factor for me. Don?t get me wrong ? the place is beautiful. Red color scheme, lots of comfy couches, very relaxing. Only problem is?the bar looks like a bordello. And every other portrait on the wall is of naked women touching themselves. One of them is larger than life and writhes in ecstasy from the bathroom door. This is one of the first things you see when you initially walk in. An overabundance of flesh is exactly what I?ve been trying to escape. When you?re married, you become cognizant of the fact that you really shouldn?t tempt yourself. The whole concept made me uncomfortable after a while.

So that's the story. Whether or not I?ll be back at another bar, I can?t say. Just not feeling bars right now.

he has released music on labels such as Warp, Schematic, and Hefty. he records under several pseudonyms: Savath & Savalas, Delarosa & Asora, Prefuse 73. it's the last moniker which has me completely enthralled with his work. as Prefuse, he has shown the possibilities of where hip-hop can go. marrying them with the glitch-ridden tendencies of the laptop contingent, an MC's flow can be chopped up into Julienne fries and sprinkled over his instrumentals, punctuating the rhythms with staccato syllables and phonemes. his 2001debut album Vocal Studies & Uprock Narratives could be described as hip-hop for reluctant b-boys. you could tell that brother Herren obviously had skills behind the boards. he was holdin' back, though, and in time he would reveal all that he was capable of.

The 92 vs. 02 Collection gave a glimpse of what was to come. a quick four-song EP to tide us over between full-lengths, his b-boy stance got a little wider, his confidence more exposed, the beats more rugged and complex. during the summer of 2002, the single "Wylin' Out" was released on the Chocolate Industries label. Featuring Mos Def & Diverse trading verses, it became the sleeper hit of the summer. but he still had higher to go. everything that had come before would only scratch the surface of what was in him.

last year saw the release of his sophomore full-length *One Word Extinguisher, one of my favorite releases of 2003. words fail me. seriously. pure audio magic from start to finish. vocals of divas are deconstructed and dive in and out of snare drum hits. the words of MCs become the exclamation points of Scott's beat sentences. an unbelievably good album. and if that weren't enough, soon after he released Extinguished, a collection of alternate takes and outtakes from One Word Extinguisher. his outtakes could take out most full-lengths out there.

last i heard, he moved from Atlanta to Barcelona. his latest release is under the Savath & Savalas moniker, a quiet little LP entitled Apropa't filled with traditional Catalan selections and instrumentation. not sure what he'll do next, but he's already solidified a place in my mind as one of my favorite producers. i encourage you to check out his work. not sure if his Eastern Developments label is still up and running, but he started an imprint of his own to modest fanfare. some interesting artists on there, too.

I?m sure that there are more than a billion subway stories underground. Here are a few quick ones of my own.

One. Sunshine on my face.

It?s one of the only things that makes the train ride bearable. If it?s a really sunny day, I sit facing the sun. It?s usually shining right on my face when I board the train. I close my eyes and absorb as much of it as I can before the train goes underground. I like to think that God is smiling on me when that happens. And I need as much of that as I can get during the work week.

Two. MTA?s got jokes.

Sometimes I think that the train conductors do things just to mess with people and at other times I just KNOW it. I?m in the Union Square station waiting on an uptown number five when a four pulls in. People board only to hear that there are heavy delays on the express line and to take the local across the track. Damn near the whole entire train empties out and crosses over to the local?except for a few wise souls who either chose to stick it out on the number four or already knew that somebody would change their mind.

Not even two minutes later, an announcement is made from the number four that the delays have cleared and the train will soon depart. Everybody hops out of the local and makes a mad dash across the track. And somewhere within that number four train, a conductor was laughing to themselves, saying, ?Dance, puppets, DANCE??

Three. Def Comedy Tram.

I tried to stay in a foul mood on the way uptown, but this cat asking for change on the train wouldn?t let me. He cracked every last one of us up, shootin? off one-liners and telling jokes along the ride.

?I told my friend I just came back from the Island. He asked me if I had a good time. I said, ?Hell no, I didn?t have a good time.? He said, ?Really? With all those beautiful bikini-clad women on the beach?? I said, ?There ain?t no beach or any women on the island I was at!? He said, ?What island did you go to?? I said, ?RIKERS ISLAND???

About half the subway car burst into laughter. God bless that brother. He wasn?t trying to hurt nobody, wasn?t being rude or anything like that. All he wanted was to put a smile on people?s faces and get some pocket change in return. Brother man got my dollars; he deserved them. Right before he left the car, he wished us all a good night and gave his final punch line?the one that I will always remember him for:

?If anybody needs a job, I want you all to know that I?m hiring. I need somebody to work the number two train!?

SOUNDSCRAPER SANCTUARY @ MADAME X
.the positive effects of operation one mo? ?gin.
Playlist for Tuesday, March 30, 2004 / 8pm-12:30am
*while tag teaming with Soundscraper, I added the following tracks to the mix?*

leroy and the drivers*the sad chicken*luv ?n? height
lunchbox*brown bag*the agriculture

ezekiel honig*hibernate*anticipate recordings
matthew dear*but for you*spectral sound

dj food*consciousness (cosmic conscious)*ninja tune (uk)
domu*groovesome*2000 black (uk)

nightcrawlers*push the feeling on (the dub of doom)*great jones
jamiroquai*you give me something (full intention club mix)*epic

moloko*sing it back (herbert?s tasteful dub)*ministry of sound (uk)
deee-lite*call me*elektra
the rapture*I need your love*dfa

somatik*diamondstone*2000 black (uk)
tosca*honey (bigga bush dub)*!k7
freakniks*kalimba*scenario (uk)
the avalanches*electricity*xl (uk)
karen ramirez*troubled girl*giant step
djinji brown*mojuba*seven heads

matthew dear*dog days (pantytec interpretation)*spectral sound
claro intelecto*peace of mind*ai (uk)
peel seamus*artemis (outbound mix)*delsin (the netherlands)

brothers and systems*half 4 me, half 4 u*nettwerk
willie bobo*fried neckbones and some home fries (dan the automator remix)*verve

suba*felicidade (buscemi remix)*guidance recordings
sade*by your side (ben watt lazy dog remix)*epic

cassius*cassius 99 remix (radio edit)*astralwerks
archie shepp*blues for brother george jackson (mondo grosso next wave extended remix)*verve

osbourne*daylight*spectral sound
metro area*we also not*tigersushi (france)

neap all stars*u r the one*surplus (uk)
p?taah*crossing (evacuation of form) (opaque remix)*ubiquity

towa tei*let me know (mighty bop remix)*elektra
cornelius*drop*matador

so what are the odds that the premiere of Soundscraper Sanctuary at its new location would land on the same day as a freak snowstorm? apparently, pretty good.

the work day at the job drove me nuts, the record bag was too heavy, and i totally didn't feel like going once i got out of work, but by the end of the night, i was so happy that i stuck it out. some friends actually braved the weather and came out. random strangers and bar regulars in and out. certainly not as traffic-heavy as the spot usually is, but under the strange and foul weather conditions, anybody that made their way out was to be commended. as far as i'm concerned, Enrique and i kicked Murphy's law square in the ass. we vibe so well in the mix. he's my favorite person to tag with. we always come away learning something from each other. we seem to be in a world beat state of mind at the moment. lots of Latin and Brazilian flavors in the cut. plus i tried my hand at more future soul joints (what most would call "broken beat" at the moment). that's definitely my flavor right now.

anyway, here's a rundown of what i played on our first night at the downtown location. please note: THIS LIST IS NOT IN ORDER. couldn't possibly remember the exact order in which songs were played (certainly not over 4.5 hours), but i did keep track of everything i played.

SOUNDSCRAPER SANCTUARY @ MADAME X
>.blowing raspberries in the face of mother nature and murphy's law.< Playlist for Tuesday, March 16, 2004 / 8pm-12:30am
*while tag teaming with Soundscraper, i contributed the following tracks to the mix...*

COMPACT DISC:
brothers and systems*trace element*nettwerk
soul II soul*keep on movin?*virgin
tipsy*space golf*asphodel
jimmy luxury and the tommy rome orchestra*sentimental guy*work/sony
p.m. dawn*amnesia*karmis
jazzanova*another new day*jcr (germany)
deee-lite*say ahhh?*elektra
antenna*going out*guidance recordings
the mighty bop*sans remission feat. la funk mob*quango
kruder & dorfmeister*high noon*g-stone (austria)
lacarno & burns*mahayana*ism
nuspirit helsinki*makoomba*guidance recordings
tranquility bass*cantamilla*ffrr/london

VINYL:
cosmo vitelli*we don?t need no smurf here*solid (france)
the avalanches*since I left you*elektra
zeb*swimming pool*codek
tony allen vs. kraked unit*the man with the drum*comet (france)
courtney pine*the in-sense song (raw deal remix)*talkin? loud (uk)
jimi tenor*wear my bikini*warp (uk)
secret frequency crew*deep blue (eli-173 remix)*counterflow
stereolab*miss modular (automator mix)*elektra
thievery corporation*illumination*esl
nina simone*see-line woman (masters at work remix)*verve
femi kuti*what will tomorrow bring (joe claussell mix)*mca
808 state feat. bjork*ooops*tommy boy
why sheep?*earthborn (recloose remix)*third ear (japan)
p?taah*crossing - evacuation of form (opaque remix)*ubiquity
beatless*the truth part two (mono uptempo mix)*ubiquity
bugz in the attic feat. wunmi*zombie*bitasweet (uk)
dj rels*diggin? in brownswood*stones throw/goya (uk)
dizzy gillespie*manteca (the funky lowlifes extended remix)*verve
betty carter*naima?s love song (dj spinna remix)*verve
kirk degiorgio presents as one*undefeated*ubiquity
donnie*masterplan*giant step

every Christian wants to be just like Jesus...

...until we actually have to. then most of us act as if we never met the brother...

i think it happened last wednesday. i was walking through union square park on my lunch break, thankful to enjoy some sunshine. i remember wearing a baseball cap and a pair of yellow-tinted sunglasses, and my facial hair had grown to a full beard by then. a brother walked past me and said...

"damn, fam, you almost look like Jayson Blair for a minute, son. word life..."

now, anybody that knows me knows how much i love to write. they also know that i take writing very seriously. so to be confused for an embellishment pimp whose name is known for leaving a permanent blemish on The New York Times and then had the nerve to write a book called Burning Down My Master's House...

well, let's just say it gave me the best reason i've had to shave in weeks. it all went the way of the clipper. facial hair, anyway. moustache, goatee, everything. when comments like that come your way, it's best to start over with a clean slate.

now that i think about it, there's a rant i wrote two years ago with a picture of me that's similar to how i looked on the day of mistaken identity - decide for yourself...