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Tuesday, 25 May 2004
how i be...
Now Playing: Nickel & Dime Radio with DJ Small Change (wfmu.org)

i be a child of GOD. i be a human being. i be an individual. i be a black man, spirit housed in a brown-shaded shell. i be 30 and restless. ravenous. relentless. i be extremist erraticus. i be the war-torn site of a battle waging between the spirit and the flesh. I be a potential disciple for Jesus, wondering at times if He truly meant to call *my* name.

i be a walking contradiction. part Passion of the Christ, part Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai. i be the edgiest Christian in my congregation, the guy who loves you with the love of Christ but doesn't yet feel that believers are exempt from ass whippings when necessary. i figure if the Messiah can take a beating that He didn't deserve for two days straight - the beating which i should've gotten - then you oughta be ready to catch a bad one when you know you've done dirt and wanna hide behind holiness to boot.

(okay, that's not entirely true. i'd like to think that i've been getting better about forgiveness. it's not the forgiveness part that i have problems with so much as the "be patient with ignorance and stupidity" part. that's NEVER been my strong point. yes, Lord, i know. i really don't mean to give you that migraine...)

i be extremely thankful that i have beth to share this life with. the past 4.5 years have been challenging, but i wouldn't trade them. and i wouldn't want to go through them alone - not with all i've been through. come september, it'll be five years married, twelve years together. children will really put things into perspective. someday soon.

i be spinning records in a club with the decor of a bordello for the last time, for bar owners who say I need to play more variety and weren't even there to hear most of the set for the last time, whose policy was, is, and always will be to sell suds, not promote vibe. so in the meantime, i be making mix tapes and CDs for friends to remind myself to continue to give to others and why i should still get giddy and excited about music.

i be customer service lackey. i be taking far too much crap from teachers, librarians, and smarmy school district pissants from all across america. i be WAY too angry to be in this position. and i know the Lord?s looking down on me and thinking...i didn't die so you could hold a grudge against a media specialist in a middle school in seattle who hung up on you twice last month. harden not your heart.

i be the guy that half my co-workers need to be real thankful i haven't acted out 5% of the things i've thought about in the office. i be the frightening reminder that we all aren't far off from taking it to a place called "there". but since i care not for becoming another dark-skinned cog in the machine called the prison industrial complex, i be a law-abiding citizen of the divided states of america.

i be plotting, planning, scheming, drawing up blueprints to move out of one situation and into another...hopefully one that's a closer fit to my personality and spirit. cause the one i'm in clearly ain't working. i be thankful for the small things in life: sunshine on my face, music in my headphones, a blog on which to post ramblings, any time i can laugh during the work day, and any day i don't leave the office angry or defeated.

to whoever reads these words, I hope and pray that you be how you need to be and where you want to be.

be well?

Posted by macedonia at 3:44 PM EDT
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